


Too much

by Slytheringirl093



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Love Triangles, Panic Attacks, Season/Series 06 Speculation, promotional photos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 20:24:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16226681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytheringirl093/pseuds/Slytheringirl093
Summary: Clarke doesn’t wait for him to settle in her arms, before turning her head to the side. She doesn’t need to see this. To see how comfortable he is in Echo’s arms. She doesn’t need to see him relax, finally giving in to tiredness, with her hands gently stroking his hair. She doesn’t need to see it. Actually… she needs to see it, but she refuse to.It’s an intimate moment, and she doesn’t need to actually look at them to realize it. The sudden silence is proof enough.Breathing becomes more and more difficult by the second. Get your shit together, Clarke – she tells herself, but with the corner of her eye she sees his expression and a feels a knot in her throat.Suddenly a memory pops into her mind. She sees Luna and Derrick curled up together, their foreheads colliding. She sees Bellamy looking at them too, then to Jasper and a Flokru girl. She had just lost Lexa then, the wound still fresh. Still it’s Bellamy that she exchange his silent wish with – maybe one day we’ll get that. Now she can’t help but think that he got that – just not with her.Or, the (reaction) Fan Fiction to the release of the Becho promotional pics of S06.





	Too much

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone.
> 
> yesterday was quite a day, wasn't it? Bait/ Not bait ... let's just say that #Beliza (bless them) makes everything better. Bob and EJ are freakin' adorkable and they melt my #bellarke heart. 
> 
> But let's cut to the chase: the becho promotional picture. It was nothing unexpected, we knew Bellamy wasn't going to break up with Echo right away, and of course he's a serious boyfriend. Even Bob said "I don't want Bellamy to be a dog to Echo" , of course he's going to respect her and not bail on her as soon as Clarke is back in the picture (pun intended). Anyway, it hurts. Bad. And I just couldn't imagine the scene ... so I started writing and this is the result. It literally went up and above my expectations, and I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> My #bellarke heart is strong. Brace yours, too.

“ My back hurts”

“ Maybe you’re just old”

“ Too bad I can’t enjoy retirement…”

Clarke smiles, still refusing to look at him. They had set a small fire by the beach as soon as the night had come and decided to try and have some sleep. They literally had the longest day ever. They’ll have to adjust their perception of time on the new planet, because even if they didn’t count them yet,  there were surely more than 24 hours in a day.

Bellamy and Clarke had stepped back into their old dynamics, much to space-kru dismay. Monty’s death wish echoing in their minds as they had come up with a plan to explore the new world, putting their differences aside a working together like they used to do.

It was _nice_ and it was _easy_.  They just had to be careful, avoiding specific topic of conversation.

Three days. They were _pros_.

Clarke, the queen of compartmentalizing, resumed being the “head”, making the hard decisions, being stoic and resolute.

Bellamy, though, refused to be the “heart” again, and got back to being the fair and strong leader he’d been on the ring,  but at the same time looking for a new balance that included having Clarke again.

They’d lead together. They’d try to be the good guys.  That was it.

They didn’t talk about _anything else._ It was like an _hushed_ agreement. Too many complicated emotions to deal with. Too many _words_ , _regrets_ , _sins_. There was too much. Six years of _too much_. Six years of _I thought you were dead._ Six years of _I’ve been waiting for you_. How do you deal with that?

So, they didn’t. And it was _easier_.

 _Easier for Clarke_. Being on her own, weighting her sins and looking for a redemption that seemed to escape her grasp. She had to make amends with a _lot of people_. Sure, Bellamy was one of them, but the implication of making amends with him, meant she had to be _completely honest_ about those _six years_ she spent looking at the sky and crying herself to sleep wishing he was alive and well, pouring her heart to a piece of crap radio, waiting for him to come back to Earth, to _her_. Then having him back only to lose him again, having to choose between _her family_ and _her heart._ Hearing him talk about _his family,_ willing to give a child to a war, knowing she’ll never forget him and _accepting that._ Leaving him to die, slowly losing herself in the process. Then realizing what she had done only when _someone_ reminded her of something she hold so much dear once: _Life should be about more than just surviving_.  _She_ couldn’t deal with all that.  So she didn’t.

 _Easier for Bellamy._ Trying to forgive himself for _using his head_ and not _follow his heart_ , leaving _her_ alone for six years. He had _grieved_ her, _mourned_ her, crying all his tears, shouting through the empty walls, collapsing on Murphy shoulder more than once, hoping that one day he’d feel _less pain_. But that day never came. So he made the pain part of himself, he hold onto her memory e kept surviving. Not because he wanted to, but because _she died for it_ , because they _needed him_ , because that’s _what she would have wanted_. He carried on and one day he was finally able to smile again. He find inside of him the strength to _forgive. Not himself_ , but _the others_. He forgave _Echo_ , and it was all because of Clarke. She became _his strength_. But he never thought she _could be still alive_. Then he _saw her_. His world _shattering again_ , the pain battling with the joy of breathing her again, of being able to _feel her touch_ again. But the realization crushed him: he had _left her_. The guilt, the pain, everything came back all at once. Echo. Octavia. All got so complicated and Clarke was distant, and _different_. He poisoned _his sister_ for her. He tried to save everyone and yes, he put Madi in the middle of a war but he did it to save everyone. _She’ll never forgive you_ – Madi had warned him. _As long as she’s alive, I could live with that_ – he had thought. But then she _left him_. She slapped him and left him to die in a fighting pit and his heart had broken in a way he didn’t realize was _still_ possible. He thought he was done with her, for good, the _hurt_ impossible to mend. Then Madi came to save him, and told him about the _radio calls_. His heart all over the place, again. He forgave her, still not quite understanding, afraid of _being wrong_. But he did and he felt lighter. Still, he couldn’t deal with all that.  So he didn’t.

Three days. They were _fine_.

“ You should rest, though” Clarke says, her eyes still lingering on the flames of the small bonfire “ You haven’t slept much since we woke up from cryo”

“ Neither have you” he simply replies.

“ I guess we both need to sleep, then”

Bellamy snorts and Clarke can’t stop herself and finally turns to look at him. He sits on the sand, his legs stretched, his back is against the knocked down tree they dragged from the woods. She’s sitting on the log, so he’s on a different level than her. That’s why, when he turns to look at her,  he has to raise his head a little to be able to look at her.

“ Are you ok?” he ask softly and Clarke really considers to tell him the truth. _No, I’m definitely not._

“ Yeah” instead she says, but looks away. Her hands torturing each other between the space out of her legs. It’s dangerous territory, they both know.

“ It’s just … a _lot_ ” she adds, feeling his eyes still fixated on her. She hears him sight.

“ Yeah” he murmurs, enough to be heard by her.

The silence is _heavy_ , then. The crackling sound coming from the fire serve as background music of their embarrassing silence. It’s the first time they are _alone_ since they saw Monty’s video. They had always made sure not to be completely alone during the past three days. But they were alone, now. No one in sight.

“ Clarke…”

He seems uncertain. She stays still, looking at the dancing flames.

“ I think we…”

“ I know” she cut dryly.

They _both_ know. It doesn’t mean they _want to_.

“ I still have a lot to make up for ” she says, weighting the truth of her own words.

“ We all do” he offers, and her heart warms a little. Always wanting to _share the burden_. A distant echo resonates in her mind – _Together_. His hand right upon hers. She wants to smile at him, but it seems wrong. It used to mean _so much more_.

“ There’s just … _so much_ …” the words, dying in her throat. She doesn’t need to say anything else. He understands. The silence is again _deafening._

 _There’s so much that I want to tell you –_ she’d like to say. _I missed you so much_ –

 _So much_ he’d like to tell her. _I thought I lost you –_ he’d say – _I thought I’d never see you again –_

 _I needed you -_  she’d add – _I waited for you for so long –_

 _I needed you –_ he’d cry - _The pain of losing you almost consumed me –_

 _I loved you –_ she’d whisper – _I should have told you when I had the chance –_

 _I loved you -_  he’d tell her - _You should have known –_

But they stay silent.

It’s all _too much_.

Suddenly they hear sound of footsteps approaching. Miller, Shaw and Echo are coming towards them, chatting among themselves. As soon as they reach the bonfire, Miller just nods at them and leaves, Echo goes sitting right next to Bellamy, while Shaw take a seat right in front of Clarke, sitting on another log.

“ Where are the others?” Bellamy asks. Echo points a spot next to the woods.

“ Miller went to talk with Jackson. Murphy is still whining about his leg and Emori is with him” she says.

“ Damn it! This stupid thing isn’t picking up the signal”

Clarke watches as Shaw works on a radio Raven gave to them before going down. They are supposed to check in every hour, but they had had some problems picking up the signals the last three times.

“ It’s been an hour, already?” Clarke asks and Shaw lets out a sight, putting the radio on his legs. He close his eyes for a moment then open them again, looking angrily at the radio.

“ 75 minutes to be precise and I’m sure that If I don’t find a way to communicate with them soon, we’re going to see a dropship landing from the sky”  

“ Let’ try avoid that, shall we…” Bellamy says, a yawn slipping between his words. Both Clarke and Echo turn at the same time, glancing at him.

“What?” he says, and Clarke is about to reply when something else happens. Echo _smiles_. It’s not that she never saw her smile, or maybe it is, but she smiles at him in a way that speak louder than words: _with love_.

“ Is it bed-time?” she jokes.

“ If only there was a bed…”

“ Come on. Lay  _your weary head to rest ” she says lifting her arm and making space for him._

_Clarke doesn’t wait for him to settle in her arms, before turning her head to the side._ _She doesn’t need to see this_ _. To see_ _how comfortable_ _he is in Echo’s arms. She doesn’t need to see him relax, finally giving in to tiredness, with her hands gently stroking his hair. She doesn’t need to see it. Actually…_ _she needs to see it_ _, but she_ _refuse to_ _._

_It’s an intimate moment, and she doesn’t need to actually look at them to realize it. The sudden silence is proof enough._

_Breathing becomes more and more difficult by the second._ _Get your shit together, Clarke –_ _she tells herself, but with the corner of her eye she sees his expression and a feels a knot in her throat._

_Suddenly a memory pops into her mind. She sees Luna and Derrick curled up together, their foreheads colliding. She sees Bellamy looking at them too, then to Jasper and a Flokru girl. She had just lost Lexa then, the wound still fresh. Still it’s Bellamy that she exchange his silent wish with –_ _maybe one day we’ll get that_ _. Now she can’t help but think that he_ _got that_ _– just not with_ _her_ _._

_She’s good for him_ _– she remind herself._ _She’s not a giant confusing mess like you are, Clarke_ _– she thinks._

_How many times you_ _pushed him away?_ _Too many._

_How many times did you_ _hurt him ?_ _Too many._

_How many times did he_ _hurt you?_ _Once._

_Maybe he_ _loved you_ _– she tells herself, and she keeps in mind to use the past tense when she does – then_ _you died and he moved on._

_“ Okay… time to let me speak to girl” says Shaw, and finally Clarke has an excuse to think of something else._

“ Does it work?” she asks. He doesn’t answer, just take the radio next to his chin.

“ Raven? Raven do you copy?” he tries. Utter silence is the only reply.

“ What if you move a little bit?” Clarke suggest and Shaw gets up immediately, trying to follow the signal.

“ Raven? Shit… Raven? Are you there?” he sights “ Seriously, as soon as I come back on the ship I’ll start working on better radios. _I doubt you can hear me on  this piece-of-crap radio_ …”

Her heart _stops_. She can still hear Shawn talking to the radio, but the words are slow and confused.

 _I doubt you can hear me on  this piece-of-crap radio –_ she said, a weak smile in a desolated land.

She sees it coming.

_Bellamy –_

Her heart is racing. Her chest hurts.

_In case this is the last time I get to do this … -_

Hands shaking. Palm sweating. Shortness of breath.

_I just want to say … -_

She’s having a freaking panic attack.

_Please, don’t feel bad about leaving me here –_

She puts a shaking hand on her mouth. She has to _calm down_ , the doctor in her suggests. She needs to start breathing again normally. But she can’t do it, _here_.

She gets up so fast, she almost fall. She suddenly feels eyes on her.

Then she starts _running_.

_You did what you had to do –_

As soon as she steps in the forest she falls on her feet, hands grasping grass and dirt. _Breathe Clarke -_  she tells herself, but she can’t and she’s start panicking.

Then someone is crouching in front of her. She’s pretty sure he’s a man. He’s saying something, but she can’t quite figure what it is.

 _I can’t hear you –_ she’d like to tell him, but no words come out.

“ Clarke look at me! Please just look at me!” she finally hear a voice.

_Murphy ?_

“ Clarke, c’mon! Look at me!”

And she does. He’s looking at her with a scared expression. She can see the blue of his eyes even in the dim lights of the forest, and decide to concentrate on that. _Breath, Clarke_.

He put both of his hands on her checks and she finally let go a sharp breath.

“Yes, like that…” he encourages her, a weak smile on his face.

Then she collapses in his arms.

“It’s okay” he whispers and she clings on him whit all she’s got.

She’s crying. She didn’t even realize she was crying until she feels her tears on his shirt.

“It’s okay, Clarke” he keep telling her, and it’s working.

“ …Murphy?”

“ Jeez Griffin! You scared the shit out of me” he says and she slowly loosen the embrace, breathing fully again.

It takes a couple of minutes to collect herself, Murphy helping her getting back to her feet. She still feels dizzy, and the fact that she’s been crying is giving her the worst headache, but mostly she’s just happy to be breathing normally again.

“ Care to tell me what the hell happened?” Murphy asks, gentleness set aside now she’s good again.

“ I had a panic attack”

“ That much was clear. What caused it?”

She closes her eyes, slowly regaining her heartbeat pace.

“ Bad memory” she admits, without looking directly at him.

“ Clarke?”

She turns immediately, the urgency in his voice demanding her attention. She sees him stopping suddenly, worry spread all over his face. She breathes in, still looking at him.

“ What happened?” he asks.

 _I’m proud of you –_ she’d said over the radio, tears streaming down her checks.

She almost wants to cry again. _Too much._

“ She had a panic attack” Murphy reveals, and Bellamy’s eyes widen.

“Murphy!” she scolds him, giving a stern look.

“What? I’m worried about you!” he says defensively.

“I’m fine!” she argues.

“ No, you’re not! And I’m sick of you denying it!” Murphy shouts. The tone in his voice doesn’t leave space for answers, so she doesn’t say anything. She’s sure is not finished.

“ Nobody is fucking fine! Monty and Harper are dead, Earth is gone, we slept for 125 fucking years and we are on a new planet that has two suns! And there’s a kid running around that has our age and he’s Monty’s son! This is next level crazy!”

Bellamy is silent, too. They both watches Murphy having a go and don’t have the courage to speak up.

“ And you two! You two act like everything’s normal, you bottle up everything and you don’t talk! And I don’t care if everybody is freaking happy, I know this shit! This is going to bite you in the ass! You had a fucking panic attack, and I swear to God, Clarke, I thought you were going to die in my arms and I’m fucking tired of watching my friends die”

She feels the tears this time.

It’s not just _her_. It’s not just _Bellamy_. _Murphy_ is broken, too. He’s right in front of them and he’s suffering and she doesn’t know what to do. Just a few minutes ago he was the one who was holding her, comforting her, who get her to breathe again. He was there for her. _Had she been there for him ?_

“ I missed you Clarke! You have no idea how much I missed your sorry ass up there in that ring. You and me, we always understood each other. We do what we have to do to survive. But you didn’t last time. You died and we mourned you. Things changed, shit happened,  but at the end of the day, you’re still you, Clarke. And I’ll always be here for you, you have to know that”

Bellamy is speechless. It’s like someone slapped him again, only this time it’s Murphy. It’s _Murphy_ with this heartfelt speech, being able to tell Clarke how much he missed her, how much he cares about her. He wants to say those things too, and much more, but he feels like he can’t and it’s fucking unfair.

“ I know that you are carrying on Monty’s legacy, you both are. I know you are trying to be strong for all of us, but we’re not kids anymore, and you’re not our parents. You’re allowed to _not be okay_ , you’re allowed to say _you’re a mess_ , and you’re allowed to have a moment to sort your own _personal shit_ ”

His last sentence is accompanied by a clear look between the two of them, _which at they both lower their head._ Clarke’s head is spinning, Murphy’s words echoing in her ears. Bellamy is silent, looking spot on the ground with an intensity that it doesn’t deserve.

“ I’ve said my piece” Murphy adds “ I’ll leave you two to have meaningless conversation, and freaking panic attacks. Just don’t fucking die”  

Then he leaves and Clarke wants to follow him. But she doesn’t. Neither does he.

They’re both pretty shaken, so they take a couple of minutes to collect themselves. They’re still at a distance, didn’t cross the space between them. She’s the one who breaks the silence.

“ Murphy’s right” she says.

“ Here’s something I thought I’d never hear” he mumbles.

“ We’re not _okay_. I’m _not okay_ , Bellamy” she admits, defeated.

“ I’m not _okay either_ , Clarke. I hate all this!” he gives up.

“ But I just … I can’t just _talk to you_ about it ”

“ Why not?” he argues.

“ Because it’s _too much_ and I just can’t!”

She didn’t mean to shout, but she couldn’t help it. He _didn’t understand_. She couldn’t open up, not to him. She couldn’t _ruin him_ again. She couldn’t go _through that_ again.

“ I get that, I do. But … I miss _us_ ”

Hi voice is so soft she almost miss it. He’s not moved, still there looking at her. _Damn it._

“ I miss _us,_ too” she replies, the truth hidden in these _still comfortable_ words. _I miss you like I‘ve never missed anyone –_ she’d say, if she could.

There’s still _so much._ They feel it hanging in the air. The _feelings that never went away_. The _secret_  they never got to share. The _life they’d never got to live_.

 _I_   _thought we had time -_  she thinks.

 _I wish things weren’t so damn complicated_ – he thinks.

 They have to stop, or they’ll step in a dangerous zone.

“ So what now?” he asks suddenly, his hands lingering at his side. He sounds _defeated._

She sadly smile at him - _I love you, you know that._

He wish he could say that out loud – _I never stopped loving you, but…_

But.

_I love her, too –_

The truth hurts. But Clarke already knew that.

“ Now we survive” she says and it feels like _forever ago_.

 _Okay, princess -_ he simply nods, a light smile on his face.

Watching him go, Clarke wishes one day it’ll be different, that they’ll have a _chance._

 _Because life should be about more than just surviving_.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few things.
> 
> \- I'm not an english speaker and I don't have a beta reader so... be kind!  
> \- Yes, there are quite a few references, especially the the reference to Luna and Derrick was inspired by a tweet.  
> \- I'd love to see more of Clarke/Murphy friendship so yeah, there's that.  
> \- I'd love to read your thoughts about this.


End file.
